Hitting the Bottle

Or rather, being hit BY the bottle.

This is Pepper, the BF's Border collie. She looks peeeeerrrrrrfectly innocent, doesn't she? Just lying there in the grass with a niiiiice soft fabric disc, minding her own biz. Nothing maniacal about her. Nothing at all.

Little would you know she's an evil genius.

Okay, maybe not ALL that evil. But she has invented some games which A) require me to do a lot of ducking and dodging and climbing into unlikely parts of my house, 2) involve a certain amount of pain and wincing on my part, and iii) are weirdly addicitve. (Here I will enter the disclaimer: She did not invent these games for MY benefit, but for Dave's. Dave may believe he taught her to play these games, but I contend that it was the other way around, and aaaaall part of her Plan.)

Like most BCs, Pepper is able to FORCE those around her (well, anyone in posession of an opposable thumb) to play "fetch" games with her. By dint of various engaging expressions, endearing head-cocks and judicious staring, Pepper is able to instill in the primate brain an irresistable urge to pick up some object (which she has thoughtfully provided, generally well-lubricated with varying amounts of dog spit) and throw it for her. Over and over and over again. Until your arm falls off.

See how well it works on Dave? In this case she has caused him to drive her to Canada for some international disc-dog practice. Don't be fooled by the innocent smile. It is all part of her nefarious plan.

Here's the wind-up......

Here's the pitch....... (note the intensity - and be warned).

Now, it all looks perfectly normal, an ordinary game of disc with the dog, right? Nothing at all sinister here. And in fact, that's pretty much the truth... in public. It's only in secret that her true evil brilliance is seen. It all starts so innocuously. You're sitting there, maybe relaxing after a hard day of work or a trip to the gym or unloading hay for the sheep. Maybe it's a hot day and you've just sucked down a bottle of water or a cold soda. Maybe the bottle is sitting on the coffee table in front of you, or on the couch beside you. Out of reflex, the cap has of course been screwed back on. Maybe there's even a little bit of water left in it. Everything seems just fine. Nothing going on here.

Until suddenly, the bottle is presented to you by Pepper. She puts it in your lap - maybe with a little encouraging nudge - and then looks at you hopefully, eyes big and melting, adopting the patented BC crouch to demonstrate her readiness to play. So you think: What the hell, why not? Or maybe you don't think at all, and just toss her the bottle by reflex.

This is where her twisted brilliance becomes clear.

Pepper leaps up like a breaching shark. Her jaws clash shut on the bottle with a sharp snapping noise. But because the bottle in non-compressable (having been capped), it ricochets right back out of her gnashing teeth at approximately 428 mph, directly back into your face. Or some other, less convenient body part. (Poink! Ouch!) But of course, it's sort of funny, and after all, the bottle is now back in your lap. And Pepper is looking sooooooo engaging with her big brown eyes allllll full of hopeful worship. So you think, What the hell..... (and, you are now doomed.)

In the next 15 minutes you will be retrieving the bottle from behind the couch, from under the table, from the top of the bookshelf, and (of course) from the floor, where it's inclined to bounce after it hits you in the forehead. Pepper will, of course, help you retrieve it (see how helpful she is?) - well, not from the top of the bookshelf. She will, however, look politely away as you teeter on the arm of the couch whilst groping for the bottle, lest you feel embarrassed by the ridiculous posture (or the ridiculous reason for which you are assuming it). All the while you are running a commentary: Pepper, catch! OW! [hee hee hee] Oh, crap - go get it! No, wait I'll get that one... Catch! OUCH! [snerk!] Jeez, WHY am I doing this, again? Okay, one more... YIKES! Is my nose bleeding? Dang. Okay, here, catch! Ow, DANG!.... How am I going to reach it up THERE...? and so on.

But don't worry. It's really not your fault. None of us are a match for the the Nefarious "Doctor" Pepper.