Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Dogs In Pants

I've noticed that all my patients have pants.

Now, I know that a lot of people object to dressing dogs and cat in clothes; I've heard Jay Leno complain about this more than once, although in fairness I believe he's taking only about decorative clothing, not clothing meant for utility (such as a working harness on a service dog, or coats for thin-coated breeds in the deep cold of Alaska or similar environs). For this reason I must here defend my clients: it's not the owner's fault if their pet has pants. It's actually my fault. For some reason I can't quite explain, nearly every time I see a patient I designate pants for them.

It goes like this: In comes, say, some adorable little puppy. I enter the exam room. The puppy will be variously wandering around on the floor, sniffing everything, cuddled in the owner's arms, or up on the exam table (or some combination of the above). It is very uncommon for me to walk into the exam room without the puppy investigating me – usually with joy and excitement, although sometimes with caution and/or trepidation. Very rarely I have one that is actively hostile – a situation that gives me pause, since by their natures puppies are rarely hostile, and seeing aggression in an animal that young is disquieting and warrants immediate intervention from the owner in the form of training, beginning as soon as possible.

However, the vast majority of puppies (and adult dogs – cats, somewhat less commonly) are happy to see people – even vets. (I know! Amazing!) Some are more outgoing or confident than others, but even the timid ones will usually essay at least a few sniffs and maybe a little tail wag (or a purr-and-head-butt, depending on species). Most puppies are absolutely dying to come have cuddle and (usually) lick me. Naturally I have to comment, either to the puppy or the owner. Usually it somehow accidentally comes out like this:

"Oh, what a cutie-pants!"

Well, the owner can hardly disagree with me, right? So now the dog has pants. Cutie-pants.

Sometimes, though, we have a dog or cat who is feeling a bit growly. Those animals shop at a different boutique and generally come in wearing their cranky-pants. Sometimes the owners complain about the pet's behaviors, because their pets are wearing naughty-pants. Sometimes pets want to hide from me (because they're wearing scaredy-pants) and others are just thrilled to see me (obviously wearing their happy-pants). Sometimes we'll have an in-heat bitch come in for a breeding (typically via artificial insemination, because while vets may be a weird group, we're not THAT weird – or at least, not weird in that way); such females usually rivet the attention of every male dog in the clinic, because they've arrived in their sexy-pants.

By the same token we have pets in curly-pants, fuzzy-pants, fluffy-pants, dancey-pants, bitey-pants, itchy-pants (I don't recommend getting this kind for yourself, just as a by-the-way); we also see those in sweetie-pants, pukey-pants (also not recommended), runny-pants (ditto), smelly-pants (make your own decision there, but I'd suggest "no"), squinty-pants, waggy-pants, wiggly-pants, bossy-pants, smarty-pants, gaggy-pants (I'd advise skipping this), ouchy-pants (also to be avoided), huggy-pants, snuggly-pants, messy-pants (use your best judgment), fancy-pants, baldy-pants, scruffy-pants, lucky-pants and so on: Nearly any kind of pants you can imagine.

Many dogs and cats have a fairly full wardrobe. My dogs, for instance, possess happy-pants, hairy-pants, scruffy-pants, noisy-pants, wiggly-pants, greedy-pants, snarky-pants (ahem, Raven), speedy-pants (Ali), messy-pants (Finn), shorty-pants (Kenzie), grubby-pants, muddy-pants (seasonally), stinky-pants (far too often), poopy-pants (typically at 3 a.m. and 40 below zero, thanks so much), cuddly-pants, snuggly-pants, and, quite often, the well-known naughty-pants. You'd think I'd stop letting them shop in the stinky-pants department (where you can also find poopy-pants, pukey-pants and so on), but somehow that hasn't worked out. (Evidently it was a mistake to let Finn get his own credit card. Go figure.)

Some pets share their pants wardrobe with their owners. (Generous of them, don't you think? And if, for instance, I've forgotten to wear my muddy-pants, my dogs will happily rectify this oversight, generally just before I have to go somewhere nice and don't have time to change.) Still, there are several kinds of pants animals seem completely uninterested in, such as braggy-pants, snooty-pants, meany-pants, stingy-pants, Machiavelli-pants, huffy-pants, pervy-pants, cheaty-pants, and, ironically, weaselly-pants. Even actual weasels never wear weaselly-pants (although they may wear slinky-pants and wiggly-pants and snuggly-pants, and sometimes licky-pants and even bitey-pants.)

Surprisingly, even though I have two bitches, the only one to ever wear bitchy-pants in my house is me, actually. I try to leave those at home, but some days, you're all out of other pants to wear. I'm sure this has never happened to any of you, of course, but evidently (and most unfortunately) there are some days that that's all I have left to wear.

Oh, well. At least I can count on my dogs forgiving this behavior… because no matter what other pants they might be wearing that day, they're always wearing their sweetie-pants.

15 comments:

Holly said...

what a giggly pants post. I think you forgot that one....

Dragon43 said...

I was wondering what on earth you were talking about and I was on the third sentence before I figured it out. Okay, I may be sleep deprived or just plain out in left field but you did a good job of getting pants on the whole crowd. Way to go.

CottonLady said...

You forgot 'tickled pants' which is what I wear when I read your blog! My two furry friends wear a lot of those pants, fortunately not more than one or two at a time. Thanks for your blog-too cute!
Cotton Lady from West Texas

AKDD said...

Glad you're enjoying my efforts to get pants on everything. And thx for pointing out the pants I've forgotten to mention... I was wearing my sleepy-pants yesterday when I wrote the post....

I need orange said...

Snotty pants is what I get from my dog with the chronic nasal congestion (who is a beaglex with scraggly pants, compared to the corgis with their lush and luxurious natural pants)!

Love the part about only having bitchy pants to wear....... That happens to me all too often, I am sure......

MaskedMan said...

Suka wears the bitchy-pants most often. Most especially when Dakota is wearing her enthusiastic playful pants. Which might also be annoying pants, pending on where you happen to be sitting...

Of course, Suka also has a wide selection of lovey pants and snuggly pants. :)

Dakota loves her talkative-pants, and especially her muddy pants. Lots and lots of muddy pants. :p This week, she's been wearing her snow pants with great glee - Until the snow got to her belly, then she shifted to wussy pants. :D

Claire said...

Are you sure about them not wearing pervy-pants? Because I'm quite sure that I've met a few male dogs (and even male rabbits) wearing their pervy-pants. Or are those called humpy-pants?

AKDD said...

Claire, I believe those ARE called humpy-pants, or else (sometimes) sexy-pants or horny-pants. Pervy-pants require a certain degree of premeditation and general creepiness (like naughty internet website surfing and intentional inappropriateness... even the most amorous dogs and bunnies are just cheerfully romancing things, and whlie the object(s) of thier desire may in fact BE inapropriate, they romance them without the slightest intention of being inappropriate). And remember, I DID let Finn get his own credit card, and he still has yet to sign up for any online naughty-dog websites. OTOH, I believe he's the second biggest client of the Yummy Chummies people, right behind the United States.

MM, it may only be regional variation, but up here we call the talkative pants "Chatty-pants" - probably just some weird Alaska thing. Oh, wait... I'm making these up as I go along, aren't I...? Never mind! :D

MaskedMan said...

Chatty pants works. Certainly much more fun than whiny pants or pushy pants. And MUCH better than sneaky pants...

Andrea said...

What an ingenious post! At first I was convinced you were literally talking about dog fashions, but as I read on I got rapped up in your smarty-pants analogies.

HisTek said...

Loved your post. Very creative. I'm not sure what kind of pants my sheep and llamas wear. I'll have to find out where they shop, probably at the thrift store. I'm not about to give THEM the credit card!
Jackie
www.sheepmom.com

AKDD said...

Sheep wear wooly-pants. (Well, mine do, anway.) Maybe llamas wear woolly-pants too...? Not sure on that.... Hmmm.


And it is true that I AM quite a smarty-pants at times. (I mean this in the sense that is more likely to be describesd less politely, as a smart-a... well, you get the idea.)

Amy said...

So funny. Made me get out my giggly pants (as Holly put it) and wear them for a bit. :-)

Toby said...

You dog people are idiots! So wrapped up in stupid dogs. They're just animals; what the heck is the big deal??

AKDD said...

Toby, assuming you are not a troll** and that this is a legitimate question, I will be happy to answer it; however, "What the big deal" is about dogs is not going to be a shot one-liner, so I'll cover it in a future post, which I will entitle "What's the big deal?" so that you can conveniently find it and don't have to wade through any other posts which might contain content about people being "wrapped up" in their "stupid dogs".

** a reasonable suspicion, given that you have come to a blog which has quite a lot of animal-related content (and anyone who read the title of the blog itself would have to expect that, given that it's written by a small-animal veterinarian) and have made animal-disparaging remarks in a forum which you can't possibly expect to be tolerant of that behavior. That seems like an act designed to stir up trouble, which is a common troll behavior. However, there is the possibility that you really DON'T get it, and really DO wonder why we are so "wrapped up" in our (sorry, NOT stupid) dogs. That's a legitimate question, if it is sincerely meant, so it's that question I will address. Keep an eye out for it.